Life as Jacob

OMG, I read this and I was rolling on the floor!  Isn’t this the funniest thing you have ever read?

Unfortunately this is what happens, when an Indian tries to tell a joke in English.

In my opinion, people shouldn’t poop at work.  How can I go into a meeting with someone when I have smelled how stinky their poop is?  While the conversation at hand might be reports, programming, and direction of the company, my mind instead is adrift with thoughts of, “what the hell have you been eating?”

As a rule, toilet paper should always roll over the top. This makes for easiest access to the sheets when In dire need. When rolled over the back, one must first roll forward to pick up a lip on the first sheet.

This lady woke up and choose this outfit from her closet.  Then, knowing full well she was going into the great wide open, decided to place each article of clothing on her body.  I can’t tell you if she looked in a mirror before she left but if she didn’t, she made a huge mistake.

I hate the concept of flirting, mainly because I have no clue how to do it or when it’s being done.

This weekend while doing a wedding, there was a girl in the sanctuary while I was getting prepared. She started a conversation with me and I talked with her for a few minutes until the guys arrived for their photos. I did pictures and such and then had another lull while I waited for the ladies. This girl tried to start up the conversation with me again. Being the cool guy I am, I continued to talk with her until the Bride and Brides Maid’s came in the sanctuary.

Generally this is where I would leave it. I would assume she was just killing time while waiting for the service to start and such. Then she did something else which lead me to think she was kind of flirting with me. As the service was starting, she looked back to me in the back row and did a funny little “thumb’s up” gesture. Then mouthed, “Are you OK?” with a OKAY gesture.

Why would she do that? Was she concerned for my health? Did I look like I was about to pass out in the isle? Was this a flirtatious gesture? Wasn’t she already there with a guy? Was it just me thinking she was flirting and she really wasn’t? I’m I just an average retarded guy who couldn’t read a woman even if the entire language consisted of one word?

Wouldn’t it be easier if it worked the same as when we were in elementary school? If you liked a girl you would just go up and punch her on the arm.

I have a few gay friends who just blow me out of the water.  First, they have to figure out of the person is gay or not, then they have to decifer if that person is flirting with them.  This seems impossible to me but by some miracle, they find each other.  This could be for a quick blowjob in the back room, but still, more than I’m getting.

I need a coach.  I think they have these services out there.  I think it would be better than Match.com or eHarmony because it’s face to face.  The reason I would have to use an online service is because my interpersonal skills suck so bad.

While perusing the Internet, I found this story over on MSN.

I am emotionally confused on this subject.  On one hand I really feel bad for the wife.  She was doing her thing and then her husband decides to dump her on the street just because he wants to move on.  Then on the other hand, I can understand the guys perspective too.  He had a prenuptial agreement which was signed by her.

I think this lady shouldn’t be looked down upon in any way.  She used the Internet to really stick it to her husband in a way that didn’t physically injure him.  If he has as many millions as the papers say he does, he should just fork over the agreed to amounts and get past it.  Come one, next time just pay a high priced hooker. 

Stacy has taken the link to my page off of her website.  This is a form of censorship which I feel is unjust in the eyes of the lord.

I speak my mind about a lot of different topics which might offend many people.  I think if I haven’t offended someone, then I haven’t said anything all that important.  For instance, I think black people should quit complaining about white people opressing them.  White people opress everyone!

I think Mexican’s should try to learn better english and do mind work instead of backbreaking labor.  Mexicans can be smart, why don’t they have office jobs?

White people need to quit being so damn redneck.  Nascar, Bud Light, Mullets, Trailer Parks…  Come on, hang out with some Mexican’s so you can figure out how to throw a good party.  Have you ever been to a good Cinco de Mayo party?  They can throw an event without ever playing the electric slide.

Americans in general need to get off their asses and watch what’s going on with the government.  The government should be afraid of it’s people not the otherway around.  We are way too complacent with the way things are.  Myself included.  Look at this gas price crap.  If we were doing more research on government instead of what Paris did last weekend, it wouldn’t be an issue.

Have I offended you yet?  Has something I’ve said here made you mad?  Good.  Anger is a motivator.

During the construction phase……

Dubai , United Arab Emirates

All finished.   Notice the size of the palm trees outside……… Can you guess what it is ???
Remember, this is in the middle of the desert….
The very HOT desert where temperatures get up to 120 degrees…..
Unbelievable!
But true..
It is a self contained Ski Resort…………………..The INSIDE view:





Why is gasoline $4.25 a gallon for regular unleaded??????

So they can ski in the desert, that’s why!

Are we stupid or what!

This could quite possibly be a drag queen.  You decide.

Courtesy Match.com, I get some weird ones every once in a while.  At first I guess I’m flattered someone would take the time to wink at me or something but then I check out the pictures.

Eeek.  Being a photographer I guess I’m looking for something more than a weird shot in the dark or an extreme close-up of someone’s nose.  I really need to update my photo so it looks a little more like me.  It’s ok, but I want something awesome out there for people to take and put on their blogs.

As I’m out running with my dogs thru the neighborhood I’m fascinated by the scents I pick up with my nose.  I’ll just be running along and get a whiff of garlic bread and spaghetti.   A few more steps and I’ll run thru a vein of parmesan and chicken.

There’re some nights when it seems everyone is of the same mind set.  The entire block will be cooking with grills and smokers.  Hamburgers, buns, hot dogs…  Then there’s me running on the sidewalk starving and watering at the mouth.

I can just imagine the scene one night when I go insane with envy for some beef.  I’ll run up into someone’s back yard and make a dive for the stack of sandwiches on the picnic table.  Then, uncle Bob tackles me to the ground and pins me there with a pair of hot tongs.  Little Billy and Joanne circle my body spraying me with ketchup and mustard.  Icarus and Akasha attack, giving me just enough time to pull myself free.  The three of us make a mad dash back to the sidewalk.  I manage to pilfer a few hot dogs from the grill as I overturn the row of garbage cans behind me.

Hey, its possible.  You just never know what the combination of heat, running and hunger can do to a person.